It's the halfway point of the … wait, we're way past the halfway point. Why don't they put the All-Star Game right at the halfway point? I don't care about logistics; I care about symmetry. This is confusing.

Okay, so we're at an easily identifiable division between the first and second half. Which means there's a chance to review and recap the first half, even if the exact demarcation line is completely meaningless and arbitrary. First up: the hitters.

The Giants have been pretty miserable this year. If you would have known that fun fact before the season started, you would have figured the offense fell down an open manhole again. That Hunter Pence was a disappointment again, that Brandon Crawford was a black hole of outs, and that the left-field platoon was a failed experiment. Not the case.

Position by position, with first-half grades that are relative to expectations, I think:

Catcher - Buster Posey
♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤
♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤
♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤
♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤
♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤
♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤

♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤
♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤
♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤
♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤
♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤
♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤♥ ❤

Grade: A

1B - Brandon Belt
This is going to get a feature-length look before the games start up again. I was worried that there weren't enough opinions about Brandon Belt on the Internet. But the schism between Brandon Belt lovers and haters is … bizarre. At best. He's an imperfect player who is doing reasonably well. I don't get how that's controversial. Other players strike out a lot, too. So it can't just be the strikeouts. Is it really the shoulder slumps? Is it really how he looks that's the problem?

Because it's not the production. He's slugging .448 and second on the team in homers. His batting average and OBP aren't ideal, but they're better than several of his teammates.

He even has a ton of late-and-close hits in big spots. I don't get it. Why him? How did he become the lightning rod? So odd.

Grade: B-

2B - Marco Scutaro
It's a mostly empty batting average (meaning, lots of singles, little else), but he's kind of the best, in which the best is defined as "someone who seems a lot better than he might appear to the outside world." I was hoping for old-school Scutaro, figuring that the hit lord from the second half last year wasn't going to show up ever again. Turns out he split the difference, and he's a deserving All-Star.

His defense has been okay, which is a step up from the Keppingerian stuff he was showing last year.

Grade: A-

SS - Brandon Crawford
The hot start sure was fun, everybody. But of course it couldn't last. He started June hitting .293/.357/.455, then hit .238/.286/.262 for the month, dragging his overall numbers down. The defense has been consistently good, of course, and the overall numbers are still far, far above expectations.

And for July? A cool .293/.356/.366. If he could do that every year, he would get a nine-figure contract. I would have pegged Madison Bumgarner for an above-average OPS this year before I guessed Crawford. It's nice to be wrong.

Grade: A

3B - Pablo Sandoval
Oof. Well, first things first, let's start a fake controversy. I got an e-mail alerting me that Pablo Sandoval was partying at the Playboy Mansion last night:

Seems like something that will be greeted with rational responses and analysis. Also, I'm sad about the comely lass who wanted to meet basketball superstar James Harden, but had a completely different experience.

Sandoval looks even fluffier than normal, and his production is way down. They could be related. Maybe it's even likely that they're related. Doesn't mean it's not annoying to hear about continually.

He has a positive WAR now, and he's in the middle of an encouraging hot streak. To the micro-splits!

That's about right. Hopefully the first and last parts are the real Sandoval, or something close to it. Because a struggling Sandoval might be the hardest player to watch in baseball.

Grade: C-

LF - Gregor Blanco, Andres Torres
The idea was to have speed and defense in the outfield, maybe with a little OBP, to make up for the complete lack of power. And the lack of power is kind of a problem; the Giants rank 28th in left-field OPS. That's not completely unexpected, I suppose. But the weird defense from Andres Torres is completely unexpected. It's like he went to New York and used the toothbrush that Angel Pagan left behind, and now he's infected. The left-field gamble would be working a lot better if it weren't for the weird defense.

Blanco's been pretty okay with the bat, though, and Torres complemented him well against left-handers. Jeff Francoeur might do the same. I'm not worried about his production against lefties, but his overall production, rather. I'm pretty convinced that he's going to start 80 percent of the games.

Grade: C

CF - Angel Pagan, others
If you're not half-expecting a Pagan injury, you're not aware of his history (and how he plays). Pagan wasn't out-hitting Blanco when he went down with his hamstring problem, and he certainly wasn't out-fielding him. That doesn't mean that the Giants are better off without Pagan in the lineup. But they're better defensively, at least in center. Which is kind of a problem, seeing as Pagan still has three years left on his deal.

For now, though, it's tough to be too hard on a guy who isn't even going to be around until September.

Grade: INC (Okay, maybe a C-).

RF - Hunter Pence
I was kind of scared that he was broken. Like, in a baseball way, too. He was so bad, so predictable last year. So Rowandy. There was even talk that he was going to be non-tendered. Remember that?

He's been one of the better stories of the half, then. He's hit, he's caught, he's thrown, he's run ... he's flashed hecka tools, in other words.

Well, Pence was hitting. He's 9-for-his-last-69, and he's got the eye of the Rowand again -- always one of Survivor's worst songs. But he was pretty consistent/exciting/terrifying for a couple straight months. He also saved a no-hitter.

So I'll partially overlook the slump at the end of the half. He's still in the pleasant-surprise category.

Grade: B

I have silly shirts, too. I have a ratty, brown, polyester, plaid thing that somehow worked its way from the thrift shop into heavy rotation. And if I were on national TV, I'd be kind of hurt if no one pointed it out.

So with that, here is Tom Seaver's shirt. It's full of butterflies.

Though you can't really tell much about it from a screenshot. You kind of need a GIF.

"I hate that drum's discordant sound,
Parading round, and round, and round:
To thoughtless youth it pleasure yields,
And lures from cities and from fields,
To sell their liberty for charms
Of tawdry lace and glitt'ring arms;
And when Ambition's voice commands,
To fight and fall in foreign lands."

- Joe Nathan

The items of interest to Giants fans in the 2013 MLB All-Star Game:

1. Posey had an at-bat and struck out
2. Bruce Bochy didn't do anything obviously silly. Heck, I'm not sure he was there

This concludes the items of interest to Giants fans in the 2013 MLB All-Star Game.

Though if you wanted to stretch it ...

2. Jason Grilli pitched
Man, I was so disgusted when the Giants traded him for Livan Hernandez. Then he disappeared for a few years, wandering through Nepal with Ryan Vogelsong. Now he's an All-Star, throwing to Buster Posey.

3. Joe Nathan pitched
But we're used to that now. Here's what Joe Nathan does in his spare time:

4. Clayton Kershaw grew up idolizing Will Clark
They mentioned it on the telecast, and I didn't believe it. The Wikipedia source was a dead end. Then someone tweeted this article to me:

When the prized 20-year-old left-hander takes the mound today at Shea Stadium to face the Mets, he'll do so wearing the number worn by his boyhood idol, former San Francisco and Texas first baseman Will Clark. The No. 22 jersey was given to him by pinch-hitting specialist Mark Sweeney, who agreed to take the No. 21 shirt that became free when Esteban Loaiza was designated for assignment last week.

This seems important. Game on the line, Kershaw in the mound, catches Will Clark's eye ... the Thrill gives him a wink. He knows what has to be done. I'd do anything for Will Clark, so I'm assuming Kershaw's right there with me.

At the very least, it's one more reason not to hate Kershaw. I just hope he goes 0-32 with a 1.39 ERA for the next 20 years. Oh, that would also create a sabermetric holy war. Everything would be great about that.

5. Paul Goldschmidt hit a home run off Tim Lincecum
:(

The American League won the 84th All-Star Game, defeating the National League 3-0. It was the third time the National League was shut out in the history of the Midsummer Classic. There was … let's see, a hit. I think I remember Mike Trout doing something. That guy with the hat threw hard, and then there was another hit.

Where am I? What happened to the last three hours? If you're waking up from the same kind of fugue, knowing that you enjoyed the game on a subconscious level, but not sure why, don't worry. I took notes.

Some of these young pitchers throw really, really hard

Man, what a joy it was to watch Matts Harvey and Moore, Aroldis Chapman, Craig Kimbrel, and Chris Sale throw mid-90s fuzz and freaky breaking balls. There are a lot of theories about the rise of the strikeout. Maybe there are just more pitchers throwing closer to the body's theoretical maximum velocity?

But my favorite young pitcher of the night was Jose Fernandez, who was four when Mariano Rivera made his first All-Star appearance. Fernandez went through Dustin Pedroia, Miguel Cabrera, and Chris Davis in the top of the sixth, getting Pedroia looking and Davis swinging. Harvey was good, but Fernandez hasn't gotten a shred of the attention this year, so it was good to see him on the national stage.

Of course, Fox interviewed Jason Grilli the entire inning, which is incredibly Marlins. Or incredibly Fox. Probably a little of both.

Manny Machado is the best defensive 3B in Orioles history

When you type those words, someone from the old guard in Baltimore grabs a hatchet and jumps in a car, looking for bloody justice. Okay, so maybe that's premature. But Machado is, at the very least, building quite a defensive résumé. Not bad for a shortstop, who should be a shortstop again unless the Orioles are crazy.

Prince Fielder hit a triple

He'd hit 10 triples in his career before this, all but one of them with his team within two runs of their opponent. The cool thing about this one was that it came at the expense of Carlos Gomez, a defensive golden god who couldn't come up with the amazing play. The second baseman ended up fielding the ball. Think about the words "the second baseman gets it … and Prince Fielder has a triple," and imagine what kind of bloodshed it would have taken for that to happen.

Tom Seaver wore a shirt with butterflies

If you really need the animated version, you can find that here. You do not need the animated version.

Mariano Rivera pitched the eighth, won the MVP

Joe Nathan is the better pitcher now, but … really? This time it counts and all that, but why not Rivera for the ninth? Is a guaranteed hold better than the risk that Rivera wouldn't get the save? That's kind of weird. That's really weird.

No matter. Even if he wasn't really the most valuable player in the 2013 All-Star Game, the retiring Rivera is the MVP of our hearts, and he won the sentimental vote, and no one complained. The award is a glass bat. Which I'm assuming Rivera broke on general principle.

Tim McCarver recited Metallica lyrics

You had to hear it. He earnestly recited Metallica lyrics, suggesting he just paid attention to "Enter Sandman" for the very first time.

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
We're off to Never Never Land

Not bad …

And by way of Lies and Perfidy, we have the audio of that recitation synced up with Fielder's triple. Goodness.

Courtesy of Bovada we have some updated World Series odds for the second half:

Detroit Tigers - 13/2
St. Louis Cardinals - 7/1
Atlanta Braves - 8/1
Boston Red Sox - 9/1
Los Angeles Dodgers - 9/1
Oakland Athletics - 10/1
Texas Rangers - 12/1
Cincinnati Reds - 15/1
Washington Nationals - 15/1
Pittsburgh Pirates - 16/1
Tampa Bay Rays - 16/1
Baltimore Orioles - 18/1
Arizona Diamondbacks - 20/1
Cleveland Indians - 25/1
New York Yankees - 28/1
Los Angeles Angels - 33/1
San Francisco Giants - 33/1
Toronto Blue Jays - 40/1
Philadelphia Phillies - 50/1
Colorado Rockies - 66/1
Kansas City Royals - 75/1
San Diego Padres - 100/1
New York Mets - 250/1
Chicago Cubs - 500/1
Chicago White Sox - 500/1
Minnesota Twins - 500/1
Seattle Mariners - 500/1
Milwaukee Brewers - 1000/1
Houston Astros - 5000/1
Miami Marlins - 5000/1

If you had $1,000, and you wanted $500,000, one way to do it would be to put $1,000 on the Cubs to win the World Series. Another way to do it would be to put just $100 on the Marlins to do the same. Then sit back and watch. And hope. Could happen.

And now division-specific odds:

Odds to Win the 2013 AL East
Boston Red Sox - 4/5
Tampa Bay Rays - 5/2
Baltimore Orioles - 5/1
New York Yankees - 7/1
Toronto Blue Jays - 22/1

Odds to Win the 2013 AL Central
Detroit Tigers - 1/4
Cleveland Indians - 11/4
Kansas City Royals - 14/1
Chicago White Sox - 100/1
Minnesota Twins - 100/1

Odds to Win the 2013 AL West
Oakland Athletics - 5/6
Texas Rangers - 1/1
Los Angeles Angels - 10/1
Seattle Mariners - 150/1
Houston Astros - 1000/1

Odds to Win the 2013 NL East
Atlanta Braves - 1/3
Washington Nationals - 9/4
Philadelphia Phillies - 12/1
New York Mets - 150/1
Miami Marlins - 1000/1

Odds to Win the 2013 NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals 2/3
Pittsburgh Pirates 12/5
Cincinnati Reds 3/1
Milwaukee Brewers 300/1
Chicago Cubs 300

Odds to Win the 2013 NL West
Los Angeles Dodgers - 10/11
Arizona Diamondbacks - 7/4
San Francisco Giants - 7/1
Colorado Rockies - 15/2
San Diego Padres - 25/1

More from Baseball Nation:

• Tuesday night, Mariano Rivera redefined "most valuable"

• The 2013 All-Star Game: A brief (but comprehensive!) review

• The best starting lineups in All-Star Game history

• FanFest is the best part (and maybe says something about Chief Wahoo)

1. Robinson Canine
2. Steve Delabrador
3. Miguel Monterrier
4. Trevor Bau-wauer
5. Lance Barkman
6. Rex Brothers (because his name is already Rex)
7. Great Dane De La Rosa
8. Domonic Hound
9. Dernard Spaniel
10. Cliff Leash
11. Chase Muttley
12. Roy Chihoswalt
13. Butch Huskie
14. Rocky Collarvito
15. Drew Pomeranian
16. Lhalfonso Soriapso
17. 50 Hottest WAGs (1 of 50)
18. Bichon Freese
19. Jeremy Arfeldt
20. Skip Poomaker
21. Bark Trumbo
22. Alex Gordon Retriever
23. Corgie Koskie
24. Collie Cowgill
25. Bococker Spaniel
26. Dog Fister
27. Buster Poochie
28. Pedro Florimongrel
29. Humplego Quintero
30. Jhonny Feralta
31. B.J. Pupton
32. Kennel Lofton
33. Kirk Saarlooswolfhond
34. Justin Mastiffson
35. Basenji Molina
36. Ryan Choward
37. Jurickson Woofar
38. Geovany Setter
39. Dan Heeler
40. Chris Parmaflea
41. Throws-up-then-eats-it Torrealba
42. LaTroy Pawkins
43. John Maybeagle
44. Didi Growlgorius
45. Felix Shar Pie
46. Max Schnauzer
47. Sam LeCur
48. Jonathon Pekeniese
49. Alberto Callassie
50. Shih Tzu Choo

_{Justin Bopp, Marc Normandin, Matt Conner, and Nathan Aderhold are also partially responsible for this.}

The title is icky, of course. You want to take a shower. Not to be the boss of you, but I don't think anyone would really object to that. Just thinking about trading Lincecum makes you feel icky. If he signed a $125 million contract before the start of the 2012 season, this place would have erupted in mirth and glee. Fifteen months later, it's considered a reasonable proposition to trade him. For shame. For shame.

But we kind of have to dive right in because the deadline's-a-loomin'. In two weeks, Tim Lincecum might not be on the Giants. When you say it like that … goodness, that's creepy. Ann Killion had a long piece in the Chronicle yesterday (subscriber-only) that suggests fans would react harshly to a Lincecum trade right now, especially after the no-hitter. Killion compares the situation to the 49ers jettisoning Joe Montana to make room for Steve Young.

From a fan-favorite standpoint, maybe there's a comparison there, but just about everything else is different. Montana was hurt; Lincecum isn't. The future of the Niners' franchise was being blocked by Montana; Lincecum isn't blocking anyone. Montana was still good when he was healthy; Lincecum has been … erratic. Football is played with a football; baseball is played with donuts and tar, among other things.

No, Giants fans won't revolt if Lincecum is traded. Okay, maybe the ones on Facebook who complain about one-year tenders to pre-arbitration players, and maybe the ones who think the Giants should trade him only for a couple #1 picks. But most of the Giants-loving world would understand. Pending free agent. Hasn't been the same for two seasons now. Farm system in a bad way, at least at the upper levels. Bad team. Unlikely to be back. Really, the decision makes itself.

But here are the two most relevant questions with any potential Lincecum trade. Figure out these questions, and you'll figure out what the Giants are going to do.

1. Is he really gone after the season?

How gone we talkin', here? Has he already made up his mind? The Giants would have a pretty good idea, I'd think. They're talking to his agent, feeling out the possibility of Lincecum staying around for a couple more years, at least.

If you take the name away, strip the history and the subtext of "Tim Lincecum" away from the player, he's a pitcher I'd argue for this offseason. I'd argue rather loudly, to be honest. The advanced metrics suggest that he's much, much better based on his strikeout ratio. The Giants will have some rotation holes to fill this offseason, and taking a chance on a FIP monster who might be undervalued is exactly what they should do to fill one of those holes. They can't afford to sign six CC Sabathias, even if there were ace-types like that on the market, which there aren't.

High-strikeout guy with possibly deceptive ERA? Yeah, if the price is reasonable. That should be the focus off the offseason, regardless of the back story or name in question.

But I can also see Lincecum thinking that while AT&T Park is great and Dave Righetti is super, that he needs a change. He's won Cy Youngs and World Serieses. He's thrown a no-hitter. Did a push-up, ate an egg here… what more can he do? There might not be a better change-of-scenery candidate in baseball right now.

2. What in the heck could the Giants really get for him?

You'll see the term "top prospects" thrown around loosely. The Giants should trade Lincecum for a couple of top prospects. Maybe the Giants should get a coupla top prospects. Major-league ready, of course.

The Giants can't get top prospects for Tim Lincecum.

Maybe they can! I don't know. But I'm almost certain that the success of Tim Lincecum in 2011 and in the 2012 playoffs isn't going to translate into top prospects, plural, in 2013. There's just not enough cost certainty in him. Plus he's a rental. That's not something even Rumplesabean can spin into top prospects.

50 Awesome Things about Tim Lincecum's No-hitter

This topic sucks. Let's revisit the no-hitter again!

But top prospect, singular? Still doubtful. Maybe possible. Maybe as part of a larger deal. The Tigers aren't going to give up Nick Castellanos for Lincecum, nor are they likely to give him up for Sergio Romo. But both, together, with the Giants eating millions? It's something the Tigers have done before, with Anibal Sanchez and Omar Infante adding up to the previously untouchable Jacob Turner.

That's how Lincecum will bring a top prospect -- as a part of a larger deal. But on his own, we're not talking the first half of Baseball America's top-50. We might not be talking the second half. And from there, depending on how much money the Giants would have to eat, now you have to start asking if the extra months of negotiation and potential for good vibes are worth more than the B prospect.

Or you go back to the first question, and trade him for the sake of getting anything at all back? The qualifying offer is going to be something like $14 million next year, which means the Giants would need to offer Lincecum a one-year, $14 million contract if they want the draft pick. The Giants might be scared to offer that kind of money for one year of Lincecum. They didn't do it for Angel Pagan, and then they signed him for a lot more money. So maybe the Giants would take the Darren Ford of current prospects to save a little money and get something back.

It's all pretty interesting. And depressing. But the important thing to note is that the Giants will win just enough games to make them do exactly the wrong thing. I'm guessing that there's about an 80-percent chance that he stays. Have no idea if that's the wrong thing. Ask again in five years.

I respect the absolute heck out of Peter Gammons. Even when I disagree with him, even when he's writing a column or reporting a rumor that makes me want to throw my computer out the window, I'll always appreciate him. He's one of the most influential baseball writers of the last few decades, and he's one of my favorites. He's on the $20 for a reason, people.

But one of my fascinations is trade rumors from seasons past. Remember the Lincecum-for-Rios rumors? What about the Chris-Davis-for-Matt-Cain rumors? Those both look a wee bit different now. The Angels could have had Miguel Cabrera for Brandon Wood and Casey Kotchman. The Dodgers could have traded Clayton Kershaw and Matt Kemp for Barry Zito. Nothing fascinates me like 20/20 hindsight.

And because of this fascination, I've stumbled on one of my favorite mock-trades ever. This isn't a rumor; Gammons was just riffing on trades he thought would work. Hell, I'm guilty of that.

It's still one of my favorite finds, though. Here is the link. Here is the quote:

San Francisco trades right-handed pitcher Matt Cain and infielder Lance Niekro to Detroit for closer Ugueth Urbina and starting pitcher Mike Maroth. For the Giants, the future is now. For the Tigers, two years from now to have Jeremy Bonderman, Nate Robertson, Kyle Sleeth and Cain for the rotation will get them a lot closer to where they want to be rather than shooting for .500 in 2004.

If you're really in the mood, note that the first part of the article details how the Dodgers don't want to give up Guillermo Mota for Carlos Beltran. That's ... my word, that's a glimpse of heaven.

But think about what that trade idea would have done to the Giants. Decimation. Bitterness. If you think that Giants fans are unbearable now, rest of the world, imagine us without Matt Cain and two championships. So, so bitter. Poisonous, even.

This comes up now because it's funny in retrospect. But it also comes up because the trade deadline is looming. There are going to be rumors and mock trades, and you'll hate some of them and love the others. Just today, I mentioned Nick Castellanos in a trade-related post. In nine years, that will look like mentioning Miguel Cabrera in a trade post back in 2004. Or maybe it'll look like a Fernando Martinez trade rumor does now.

Everything will seem pretty clear with hindsight. But nine years ago, a great baseball writer suggested a trade that would have ruined everything. That's how most of these mock trades and trade rumors work. You just don't know which franchise you're ruining until a decade or so goes by.

(Matt Cain.)

Roger Maris is in the headlines again. That's one of the ways a bear might know a baseball pundit has been sleeping in its bed. When you see Eddie Mathews' name in a headline, you think, "Say, this is an article about baseball." When you see Maris's name, you know that Class 4 punditting is about to follow.

Not that I'm somehow above that. I enjoy a good punditting as much as the next guy. Cleans you out. And when people started suggesting that Chris Davis was chasing the true home-run record, I argued in favor of context, not wholesale revision. Figured we were close to the end of Roger Maris talk.

But Davis hit a bunch of homers after that. He has four over the All-Star break. That means that Maris's name isn't going away soon. Jeff Passan asked players which record was legitimate:

Of 15 All-Stars surveyed by Yahoo! Sports and asked a simple question – what is the home run record,Roger Maris’ 61 or Barry Bonds’ 73? – their response was almost unanimous: 73.

Joey Votto was surprisingly blunt in an era of 110-percents and one-day-at-a-times:

"If Chris feels like 61 is the home run record, maybe he’s just selfishly pegging that number as the home run record so if he passes it he can wear a crown or something like that," Reds first baseman Joey Votto said. "There would be a lot of money in that."

Frank Deford believes in Roger Maris. And fairies … I think:

If Davis keeps hitting home runs, I think we should all cheer whenever he comes to the plate, not necessarily to salute him, but because we are of the belief that he is going after Maris' one true, legitimate record.

And then it hit me: Roger Maris has become a symbol of purity for the people looking for just that sort of thing.

This is amazing for a couple of reasons. The first is that the Asterisk of Extenuating Circumstances in baseball was invented because of Roger Maris. They made a pretty good movie about it. Anthony Michael Hall did a good job as Whitey Ford, which is something that will always be fun to type. It's funny that Maris is now the obvious and true holder of the record when so many people spent so much time back in '61 arguing that he most certainly was not.

The second reason it's amazing is because here's what I think of when I think of Roger Maris:

Imagine if you will, if no one had ever broke Babe Ruth's single-season record. The steroid era came and went, and Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds came close, but Ruth still held the record. Now imagine that Roger Maris played today and had the exact same career. Pretend he broke the record this season with 61 home runs.

Do you know how many single-sentence-paragraph columns that career would have eventually spawned? This year, sure, but also the further away from the record we got. The more we realized that Maris would never repeat his record-setting season -- never get close to it, really -- the more the column would have written itself.

What do we really know?

What do we have to guess?

I'd like to think Roger Maris was clean.

I really would.

But then how would you explain the Year that Was, and the Year that Would Never Be Again?

You can't.

Rick Reilly would stand outside Maris's window, Lloyd Dobler-style, holding a receptacle for urine instead of a boom box. It would be so easy to be suspicious. The default, even. Look at that one big season. What an outlier. It's a shame that we have to think this, but here's a column dancing around why we should think this. If Davis hits 62 this year, 30 the next, and never tops 25 again, watch for it. Hopefully, we won't have to.

But that's an alternate reality. None of that happened, so we get to read and hear about Maris being a symbol of truth and purity. What I like to think of when I think of Maris, though, is something entirely different. It makes me think of players who explode for no tangible reason. It makes me think of players who are mostly done before they're 30. It makes me think of fluke seasons and careers that were cruelly short.

In other words, Maris makes me think of how baseball is a liar. It's a liar in the moment, and it's a liar with the benefit of hindsight. The players you know as good now will be bums in a year, and the bums of today will be at Target Field next July. Maris is an example of how truth in baseball is more a Rorschach test than anything objective.

For the next few months, though, Maris will be the truth and light and everything in between. I wish we could have traveled back in time and explained this to someone with an axe to grind in 1961. It's almost a little endearing. Almost.

I did a column like this last year, too, but I don't remember it. Let's find out if my predictions were right.

1. Mike Trout comes down to earth
In the first half, he hit .341/.397/.562. In the second half, he hit .312/.401/.565. If you don't want to do the math in your head, that's a .959 OPS in the first half and a .966 OPS in the second. So this was a stupid prediction, and I should feel bad.

2. The Tigers will win the Central
I also predicted that gas prices would rise because I'm a wild man.

3. Adrian Gonzalez will be just fine
He was! He's pretty okay again this year.

4. The Rangers trade for Justin Upton and one of Zack Greinke or Cole Hamels
I had this as Geovany Soto and Ryan Dempster, but Neyer made me change it. But … okay, so this was a stupid prediction, and I should feel bad.

5. The Orioles don't make the playoffs
This was a stupid prediction, and I should feel bad.

I hit on two of the five, but the hits were pretty obvious. Which means that you should take the predictions I'm about to make, and line your birdcage with them. Then I'll laugh at you because you put a computer in your bird cage for them to poop on, you fool. None of us are going to come out of this looking smart.

But I've figured out a way around this. I'm not going to look that stupid again, Trout as my witness. Here are five bold predictions for the second half, then:

1. Player who is having an unexpectedly good season regresses to the mean

Player having an unexpectedly good season had an underwhelming career line before the year started:

So his first half was a surprise. But I have some bad news: Player having an unexpectedly good season probably isn't going to keep this up. He'll probably hit closer to his career statistics.

2. Team having an unexpectedly good season regresses to the mean

I wasn't expecting Team having an unexpectedly good season to do this well; my preseason predictions had them in not-first place, and they're doing substantially better. But I have some bad news: Team having an unexpectedly good season probably isn't going to keep this up. Something about fluke players, something about Pythagorean records, and something about one-run games. Sentence hedging my bets in case they really are this good.

3. Player having an uncharacteristically bad season gets better

What in the world is wrong with Player having an uncharacteristically bad season? I've looked at his statistics for at least three minutes now, and I can't figure it out, which means this is probably a fluke. He'll get better because he was better before. When you look up in September, don't be surprised if Player having an uncharacteristically bad season is actually finishing up a season that doesn't look so bad after all.

4. Shocking trade shocks baseball fans

Something will happen at the trade deadline that will make you say, "Wow. Wasn't expecting that." And you'll be all, "Whoa. Him? For those prospects? Goodness." Fans of the team giving up the prospects will be aghast.

I can't believe they gave up Prospect that I've been irrationally overrating since he was drafted. This is the worst day of my life."

- Internet user

The veteran acquired by the contending team helps, but not as much as expected.

5. A team that isn't in first place right now ends up in first place

People of Other Team are feeling pretty good right now, but they should watch their backs because Team is going to catch them. It's not so much because of a collapse by Other Team, but more because Team is going to get hot.

Ha. There are my predictions, sucker. Try making fun of me this time. Because I know better than to do something like this:

1. Miguel Cabrera finishes three homers short of the Triple Crown
2. The Phillies win the Wild Card
3. Giancarlo Stanton is traded to the Red Sox
4. The Tigers don't make the playoffs
5. Yasiel Puig loses the Rookie of the Year voting when Shelby Miller finishes 10-2 over his last 14 starts with a 2.4571 ERA

Making specific predictions like that is a good way to look really, really stupid. Look at those predictions from last year! So bad. So there's no way I'm going to ...

...

aw dammit so much

Earlier this week, I used arbitrary grades to note how well or poorly the Giants' hitters did in the first half. Add them up, and we got a grade-point average of 2.85 -- good for a B-. Way to go, Giants lineup! Actually, hold on, it might be better. I think Buster Posey is A.P., so he gets extra credit. Gimme a sec.

But if the hitting has been mostly okay, what's gone wrong with the … Oh, right. This isn't gonna be pretty. Here are the grades for the Giant pitchers in the first half. Note that these are mostly relative to expectations, though I reserve the right to be grumpy about Zito even if I expected it.

Matt Cain
Guh. Let's go through the potential problems in order:

Velocity? The same.

Batting average on balls in play? Cain's always had a crazy-low BABIP, which made people assume that he'd regress one of these days. It was .265 in 2011 and .264 in 2012, and it's regressed all the way to … .262 this year.

Strikeouts and walks? The walks are up a tick, but the strikeout-to-walk ratio is where it usually is. He's maintained a swinging-strike percentage of 16 percent since 2011.

Oh. Golly.

The strikeout-to-walk ratio makes me think there's something mechanical from the stretch. Or we're dealing with sample-size gremlins. But probably the former. Maybe a combination. And because he's Matt Cain, he'll figure it out. Please?

Grade: D+

Madison Bumgarner
For some reason, I worry about Bumgarner a lot. Before games, during games, between outings … I keep waiting for his velocity to go away or something else bad to happen. Maybe that's because of the Great Velocity Scare of 2008, or maybe it's because he's had tired stretches before. Except, he's one of the most consistent pitchers in baseball year to year, even if he has ups and downs within those years. His ERA has been between 3.00 and 3.37 in each of his four seasons, with a K/BB ratio between 3.31 and 4.15. How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Madison Bumgarner Even More.

Grade: A-

Tim Lincecum
"Hey, everyone! Tim Lincecum's strikeouts are going to go up, his walks are going to go down, and he's going to have a lower ERA than Matt Cain!"

"Hooray! Thanks, mysterious man from the future with cloven hooves! This is great news!"

At least Lincecum isn't as bad as he was in the first half last year, which led to stupid headlines like this:

Yup, Tim Lincecum Is the Worst Pitcher Ever

He's essentially been this pitcher for the last calendar year, which isn't bad. And, you know, a 33-start stretch could be subject to sample-size chicanery. Maybe he'll be the same after all! He did throw a no-hitter, after all. You have to be pretty good to do that.

Well ... that's just ... look, he was good at one point, too.

Grade: C

Barry Zito
Zito's career ERA with the Giants is 4.51; his ERA in 2013 is 4.88. His career K/9 with the Giants is 6.2; his K/9 in 2013 is 5.8. His career strikeout-to-walk ratio with the Giants is 1.58; his K/BB ratio in 2013 is 1.63. His career HR-allowed ratio with the Giants is 1.0 for every nine innings pitched; it's exactly that this year.

I have no idea why this is surprising or hard to take or hard to watch or frustrating. There probably isn't a more consistent pitcher in baseball. And as long as we're handing out grades, is there a more D+ pitcher in baseball? He passed! Barely.

Deep breath. Game 5. Lifetime immunity. Deep breath. Game 5. Lifetime immunity. Deep breath. Game 5. Lifetime immunity. Deep breath. Game 5. Lifetime immunity. Deep breath. Game 5. Lifetime immunity. Deep breath. Game 5. Lifetime immunity.

Grade: D+, now and forever

Ryan Vogelsong
Remember him? I miss him and his glower power. He was dreadful when he was healthy, and then he done broke on a freak play. The grade is more a reflection of that stupid play/pitch/event than Vogelsong. He was just turning it around, too …

Grade: F

Chad Gaudin
From the day Gaudin signed:

He's basically Mota
That's not fair. He could also be Clay Hensley. And, you know, Gaudin is only 29. I guess if Righetti gets his hands on him …

Surprise! Gaudin's really good now. There is no explanation, not that you were desperate for one. His BABIP has been lower than expect, so he's probably not this good. But he's still clearly a major-league pitcher, which isn't necessarily something that was a given before the season started.

Grade: A

Bullpen lightning round:

Sergio Romo: B+
Jeremy Affeldt: D
Jose Mijares: B
Javier Lopez: A
George Kontos: D
Other assorted pitchers: C

Romo's been himself, with maybe an extra hanging slider for every 15 thrown. Affeldt deserves to have a worse ERA. So does Mijares, who's allowed 36 percent of his inherited runners to score, but he's been a pretty good lefty-only reliever. It's when he has to face right-handers that everything corrodes.

If the Giants have the Matt Cain and bullpen they expected, they're within a couple games of the division lead. You can cherry-pick all sorts of sentences like that. But I'm going with Cain and the bullpen. And I think both will be better in the second half. It will probably be too late, though. There are only 66 games left, you know.

Sixty-six games left. When you put it like that …

By way of Internet gift Carmen Kiew and Bay Area Sports Guy, we have something worth your attention.

I didn't like Imagine Dragons before the video. Now I'm on my way to get the Night Visions cover tattooed on my back. Timmy Timmy Timmy Timmy.

First pitches are in the news because of Carly Rae Jepsen, the pop star who threw an embarrassing first pitch, even though she's done okay before. This pops up every other month or so because people who throw out first pitches usually aren't baseball players, and those sorts of people are usually terrible at throwing baseballs.

I'm no Carly Rae Jepsen truther but I think we're an advanced enough society to stop giving people shit abt their 1st pitches the next day

— Jonathan Bernhardt (@jonbernhardt) July 15, 2013

Hahaha, you naïve fool. Never. In fact, today's installment of Fun With the Photo Tool is based on a search for "First pitch."

To recap, these are all pictures that are found through a search in the SB Nation story editor. The first installment, baseball players running into each other, is here. The second one has to do with the word "errors," and you can find it here. Sometimes you need a picture of Darth Vader and a Giant Foam Luis Gonzalez, and sometimes you something else. This is the third installment, and it concerns ceremonial first pitches.

Some first pitches, broken into categories:

Players and former players

Among the more common pictures in the photo tool are those of former players. Hall of Famers, Hall of Nearly Greaters, familiar names …

Yeah, like, that. Here are some current and former players.

_{(Photo by Daniel Shirey/Getty Images)}

Like most of us, you've woke up thinking Chipper Jones was standing over your bed at night, holding a hatchet, and muttering "No one calls me Larry" under his breath. Now you have a face to sear into your brain for that moment.

_{(Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)}

Mariners PR person: Hello? Hi, we're commissioning a 50-foot-banner of Randy Johnson's face, and we're hoping you would …

Other end of the line: /click

Mariners PR person: Dammit, not again. There has to be a better way!

_{(Photo by Marcio Jose Sanchez-Pool/Getty Images)}

Hold on, I have a theory on why Matt Cain's ERA doesn't match his peripherals this season. It has to do with defensive positioning. Hear me out …

Also, rad mustache, Barry Zito.

The Giants are apparently big on this sort of thing, as they've let Hunter Pence throw a first pitch.

_{(Photo by Denis Poroy/Getty Images)}

And the Phillies let Cliff Lee throw a first pitch for some reason.

_{(Photo by Hunter Martin/Getty Images)}

And while Brayan Peña didn't exactly throw this first pitch, this is just about the Royalsiest picture I've ever seen.

_{(Photo by Ed Zurga/Getty Images)}

That would be a Royal with a comically oversized mitt, unable to catch a baseball. Royals!

Pitch faces

Some of the most legendary sports figures in history have thrown a first pitch recently. Jerry Rice. Magic Johnson. Sadaharu Oh. But none of them came close to the pitch face of Wayne Gretzky.

_{(Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images)}

It must be a Toronto thing, because I have a new screensaver for you.

_{(Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images)}

Golden Acapulco nights, indeed. Nothing is going to top a Geddy Lee pitch face -- with bonus midriff! -- and that's mostly Gene Simmons's fault for being so danged cool under pressure.

_{(Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images)}

Now Pam Grier doesn't have the best pitch face …

_{(Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)}

… but at least she threw the ball so hard that it made it explode into a fiery ball of cork, leather, and stitches.

And finally, this:

_{(Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)}

You're welcome.

Rule 34

Look, if you don't know what Rule 34 is … you're probably not going to want these pictures in your head when you Google it or click that link to the Wikipedia page. But here are some Rule 34 pictures, along with a snippet of slash-fic for each one.

_{Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports}

Sample slash-fic:

… I put on my robe and camouflage wizard hat …

_{(Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)}

Sample slash-fic:

She hand-fed him felt-covered cod after felt-covered cod. He lay on the divan, languidly looking up at the ceiling.

"Aren't you hot in that felt-covered seal costume, eating felt-covered cod?", she asked.

_{(Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images)}

Sample slash-fic:

oh hell no i'm not writing that

And, finally, there's one last category that's near and dear to my heart.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

_{(Photo by Ed Zurga/Getty Images)}

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

_{Tom Szczerbowski-USA TODAY Sports}

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

_{(Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images)}

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

_{Kyle Terada-US PRESSWIRE}

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Well, huh. Fella wakes up in the morning and sees that he missed some big news.

The @Dbacks have introduced the D-backs Luchador (@DbacksLuchador) as an official mascot of the team. pic.twitter.com/ZqRBwHaAJY

— MLB (@MLB) July 18, 2013

First, a suggestion:

You know. For the ladies.

Second, every team should have one of these. And they should wrestle between innings. And at the All-Star Game, all 30 of them should get in a steel cage and wrestle, with the winning getting home-field advantage. This would make more sense than the current arrangement, and it would get huge ratings.

Think it over, Baseball.

We're surprisingly close to the trading deadline. Doesn't it seem weird that there are fewer than two weeks left? And that we're almost 100 games into the season? Wait, the Giants are bad now? None of this makes sense!

But the rumors are going to come hotter and heavier, so buckle up. It's officially ...

SILLY SEASON

Except there's nothing silly today! Not yet. There are two notes/rumors today, and they're both eminently reasonable. First, from Jon Heyman on Tim Lincecum:

"Far-fetched," one National League executive called the scenario whereby Lincecum is traded to a team that immediately turns him from starter to closer.

Makes sense. I always thought the idea of Lincecum as an automatic super-reliever was a little too optimistic. Just because he did well in a handful of games last October, that doesn't mean he's Jason Grilli now.

Also, I just hinted that "Tim Lincecum isn't Jason Grilli" would be a disappointing thing for another team. It's cold on the other side of this rabbit hole.

The second thing comes from Jim Duquette's tweet machine:

B Evans Asst Gm of SFG told us "I hope we don't have to go down the road of trading Hunter Pence…we need energy players,he's 'our heartbeat'

— Jim Duquette (@Jim_Duquette) July 19, 2013

You can almost read that as the Giants are keeping Pence. But I'm choosing to translate it as "Boy, I hope that this team stops sucking eggs so we don't have to trade this player that we really like." And, hey, I like Pence, too. I hope he's good and the Giants are good, and I want him around for the next three years if he promises not to decline.

But if the Giants have to "go down that road," I'm thinking they will. Other than Romo (and maaaaybe Javier Lopez), the only player who will bring back decent prospects is Pence. Maybe the energy and heartbeat will pry an extra one away!

The best thing, really, would be for the Giants to win 10 straight. So let's all kick back and wait for that to happen before silly season gets sillier.

The Puig Destroyer e.p. is out. You should get it. It's amazing.

In the tradition of 50 baseball-related dog names, here are 50 baseball-related hard rock/metal bands that also need to release e.p.s.

I'm so, so sorry about this. Justin Bopp, Marc Normandin, Steven Goldman, and Connor Moylan are also to blame.

1. Jurrjens Priest
2. Negură Bunning
3. Queens of the Steve Stone Age
4. Opethier
5. Grichfinder General
6. Faith No Matt Moore
7. Bobby Murcerful Fate
8. Marilyn Mantle
9. Morbid Angel Pagan
10. Between the Barry and Me
11. Werthchild America
12. Bream Theater
13. Quiet Riles
14. Olt Thrower
15. Deathspell Pud Galvin
16. Monster Magadan
17. Troutjira
18. Harrahween
19. Flotsam and Jurickson
20. Them Crooked Venables
21. Staub O)))
22. Ephel Dunston
23. Jag Pinson
24. Vida Blue Öyster Cult
25. Ty Cobb Negative
26. Wolves in the Throneberry Room
27. High on Fiers
28. Cannibal Corpas
29. Sleepytime Gorzelanny Museum
30. Tygers of Matt Cain
31. Cult of Lew Ford
32. Dio Gonzalez
33. Blut Aus Nokes
34. Alicea in Chains
35. ManoWAR
36. Ingewie Malmsteen
37. Twisted Fister
38. Guns 'n' Pete Roses
39. Deivicide
40. Motahead
41. Rage Against the Machi
42. Def Lefferts
43. Kylesa Farnsworth
44. As I Lay Cuddyer
45. Mesadeth
46. Eyehateboggs
47. Meshuggla
48. Correia of Conformity
49. Black Sabathia
50. The Killebrew Escape Plan

The good news: After every good Diamondbacks season, something good happens for the Giants. They won the division in 1999; the Giants won it in 2000. They went to the World Series in 2001; the Giants went the next year. They won the division in 2002; the Giants won 100 games in 2003. They won the division in 2011; the Giants won the World Series in 2012.

Wait, the Diamondbacks won the West in 2007?

…

Stupid Diamondbacks. They ruin everything.

Which brings up an important question. Just how stupid are the Diamondbacks? That is, where do they rank on the NL West hate list? Do you even have an NL West hate list? I'm not sure if I do. Correction: I'm not sure if I did. Let's work on this together.

The difference between the Dodgers and the other teams on the list is like the difference between how I root for the Giants and A's. The A's are my second-favorite team. But you can park a battleship in the gulf between #1 and #2. I've never thrown something in anger after an A's loss, for example. Okay, maybe Game 3 in 2001. But that's it.

So the Dodgers are #s 1 through 50. We're just arguing about 51st place now.

#2 - Padres
Offenses: Brown-and-yellowing Willie McCovey, relievers with two first names, pitchers with lacrosse-bro names, Petco Park and the first half of 2010 … even though that kind of worked out, having a likable player (Tony Gwynn) who absolutely destroyed the Giants

I don't know. Is this an over-ranking? Really, what have the Padres done to us? The crimes of the Rockies are many. The Giants have had more head-to-head battles with the Diamondbacks in 16 years than they've had with the Padres in 45. Can you really hate a team like that?

They just annoy me. If teams had faces, the Padres would have a Clayton Richard face. Staring and grinning. Staring and grinning. And the games at Petco are so danged annoying.

Most of the time.

#3 - Rockies
Offenses: Coors Field, Neifi spawning, Coors Field, 1993, Coors Field, Todd Helton's goatee

Maybe they should be #2. Can't decide. But for now, the Padres are just a tick more annoying.

Alright, maybe it's a tie. The 0-13 record against the Braves in 1993 -- 0-13! -- pushes them close to the edge, but their generous donation of Marco Scutaro to the 2012 reels them back.

#4 - Diamondbacks
Offenses: Matt-napping, Curt Schilling and Luis Gonzalez, a pool, Todd Stottlemyre, Paul Goldschmidt

Don't sleep on that Todd Stottlemyre reference. Dude was a dillweed.

But as far as a reason to loathe them without remorse … the only two I had were the Matt-napping and them winning a World Series within the first 20 seconds of their existence. But that last one doesn't feel as bad since 2010. So we're stuck with the Matt-napping. And that's a big deal -- Matt Williams being a Diamondback 4 life bugs me beyond words.

Don't get me wrong: The Diamondbacks still annoy me. If the World Series were Diamondbacks/Yankees, I'd root for the Yankees. Diamondbacks/Red Sox and Diamondbacks/Angels would both make me root for the A.L. But compared to the other three teams, I'm not sure I can justify putting the Diamondbacks over either of them.

Although I do have a running spreadsheet of Paul Goldschmidt's career statistics with his line against Tim Lincecum subtracted. His career slugging drops 15 points without Lincecum. That's a pretty solid start if the Diamondbacks want to start moving up the Hate Rankings. Pretty solid.