This all feels artificial. It's too scripted. You -- yes, you -- have your own personal Wizard of Oz, sitting behind a curtain, pushing the buttons, controlling the events that shape your life and personality. Right now, he or she is being obnoxiously blunt. Maybe he or she is a temp, and the finesse will come with experience. Right now, it's too on the nose, too obvious. A recap:

Matt Cain couldn't finish an inning, possibly because he's hurt.

Zack Wheeler pitched brilliantly, shutting the Giants down.

Wheeler could have matched up against Barry Zito. There aren't any metaphors to find there. "Former top pick shuts down team that traded him," isn't an omen. That's just a drag. Wheeler could have struggled through a few innings, getting the win but looking very much like a young pitcher. He could have dueled with Cain in a pitcher's duel and come out ahead. I probably would have taken that for an omen, but apparently it can get more omeny.

It had to be Cain and Wheeler. It had to be at the end of an embarrassing sweep. And it had to work out just the way it did. Here's Cain's injury history:

• day-to-day once for hamstring soreness
• day-to-day four times for contusions
• two weeks in spring training because of elbow inflammation (2011)

That's it. Cain has thrown 253 games in the majors, and that's the extent of his injury history. He's never missed a regular-season game.

Yet on the exact day Zack Wheeler comes to town, this happens:

No surprise after that first inning, but I’m told there have been in-house discussions about Cain’s health in recent days.

— Alex Pavlovic (@AlexPavlovic) July 10, 2013

Before we start running around like someone threw a beehive in the shower, note that nothing's official. Cain says he's okay. Bochy says he's okay. There were in-house discussions in 2011, too, and Cain was just fine. When Bruce Bochy walked to the mound with two outs in the first inning, Cain mouthed something like, "You gotta be (expletive) kidding me," so it's not like he feels so broken that he knew exactly why Bochy was coming out.

Even the idea of what could be ailing Cain is nebulous. We're quick to think "shoulder" or "elbow" because baseball fans are used to preparing for the worst with pitchers, but considering Cain's velocity and up-and-down stuff, I don't think that has to be the case. Could be a back, a knee, maybe an ankle, blisters ... there are a lot of maladies that can mess with a pitcher's command.

But Matt Cain couldn't finish an inning. And on the other side, Zack Wheeler was dominating. Good fastball, good breaking balls, looks like a franchise pillar, everything looks good.

That's too obvious, universe. Writers are taught to show, not tell. Right now, you're telling. It's killing the effect.

Nothing that's happened so far in this season would have been a deal breaker when you were selling your soul last year. Regression, broken pitching, ex-prospect knife-twists, arrests, injuries, Puig ... nothing would have been a deal breaker. We would have accepted that debt gladly.

That doesn't mean this is easy to watch. Doesn't mean it's easy to take. We were expecting a contender. We got a death spiral.

Dumbing it down: The Giants were swept and humiliated by the Mets, they signed Jeff Francoeur, the prospect who got away shut the Giants down in the same game that Matt Cain couldn't get out of the first inning, and news leaked that one of the Giants' pitchers was arrested for some horrible stuff.

They're going to give away fedoras soon, you know. So it all evens out.

Jeff Francoeur is coming.

The Giants scored two runs. These runs were like the seedling plant in WALL-E, offering hope for the distant future, ruining the perfection of Wheeler's debut against the Giants. If Wheeler pitched the shutout, that would have been a groundhog's shadow telling us to prepare for a 40-year winter.

Instead, hey, maybe it's awful instead of hopless.

_{Via Erin Baehman}

Well, they should beat the Padres, dammit.

First two-game winning streak since June 18/19. I'm not saying you should take your pants off. It's a free country. But that's what we're all doing.

It was annoying that the Giants didn't get to wear Seals uniforms, dang it. It's also embarrassing for the Padres to wear clearly superior uniforms for one night a year. What a tease. Enjoy the ... navy blue and whatever ... for the rest of the season.

The Giants were 8-for-19 with runners in scoring position. Also, they had 19 runners in scoring position. The eight hits with runners in scoring position is the highest total in two months. It was the … seventh time? … they've scored 10 runs this year. Dang, that doesn't seem right. But it was the first time in a month, though.

It's not like everything was so different, though. They weren't bombing home run after home run. They were "stringing hits together." Up until now, the Giants were playing blackjack like this:

Dealer: King.

Giants: /puts card in mouth

Giants: /eats card

Dealer: ...

Dealer: Ace.

Giants: /lights card on fire

Giants: /snorts ashes

To get them to sign on the line that is dotted. That's what the Giants have had problems with. To close the deal. To get runners in. Because anyone can get runners on base.

The trick is to drive them in. Normal teams can do that. The Giants have been a normal team before. It would be swell if they could be a normal team again.

And this was the first game rooting for the newly icky Chad Gaudin.

It's such a shame. He was such a good story. And the good story is obviously secondary to real-life stuff, but it was what we were focusing on before the awful revelations. The guy who had a shot to chase Octavio Dotel's record for most teams was suddenly a huge asset. One of the better assets on the team, actually. Pretty heady stuff for a guy who was fighting for his roster spot this spring.

As a baseball player, he's still a good story. He's found that tipping point with his command (I'd like to think) that moves him from average to above average, and that's for a relief role or a starting role. Everything else was already there. He just needed to shake the Sanchezes out. He walked three on Friday night, but I'd like to think he still has some idea where the ball is going.

As a representative of the Giants' organization? Still gross. Again, maybe that's unfair/presumptuous/premature. He pitched a whale of a game tonight, though.

Kensuke Tanaka, first four games: .400/.471/.400

Mel Ott, first four games: .250/.250/.250

Frank Robinson, first four games: .235/.278/.353

Hank Aaron, first four games: .200/.333/.333

Gregor Blanco scored four runs tonight. A list of players who have scored four runs in a game this season:

• Brandon Belt

A list of players who have scored four runs in a game for the Giants since 2000:

1. Angel Pagan
2. Barry Bonds
3. Brandon Belt
4. Damon Minor
5. Edgardo Alfonzo
6. Ellis Burks
7. Freddy Sanchez
8. J.T. Snow (four times!)
9. Jeff Kent
10. Kevin Frandsen
11. Marvin Benard
12. Michael Tucker
13. Omar Vizquel
14. Pablo Sandoval
15. Pedro Feliz
16. Rajai Davis
17. Randy Winn
18. Ray Durham
19. Russ Davis

My point? Ha ha ha, I just like typing those names when I get the chance, you fool. The other point is that Blanco has been a dandy of a player, even though he had one hit over the last month or so. Blanco is back, he said without a trace of irony or trepidation, and he's been a pretty good player. Beats watching Nick Swisher melt into a puddle of Rowand goo for the next three years.

Also, an aside: I think it would have been really annoying if the Giants moved into Pac Bell Park in 2001. That 2000 cutoff is easy for so many reasons.

There was an umpire who futzed up a play because his finger was in his nose, a hidden-ball trick that didn't work, a rundown that ended in an interference call, and a 10-run explosion. As long as the Giants can do that every night, they'll make the playoffs.

All-Time Baseball Franchise Ranking Project: #8-#1
Which teams have the all-time best rosters by WAR? We're #2! We're #2! We're #2! That just means we try harder, Yankees. Like whatever rental car company that was 30 years ago. You know, the ones with the commercial. Maybe they're #3 now.

Could Tim Linecum revive an old-school relief role? | SportsonEarth.com
I've been meaning to link to this for a while. Jack Moore knows his stuff, and he spitballs on the idea of Lincecum going back to the '70s. /wiley wiggins joke

FOX Sports Video - Morosi: Sale or no Sale
Skip to about 1:30 for the Giants stuff. I don't want to trade Sergio Romo, but if there's a way to pry Nick Castellanos by including Javier Lopez ... dunno, folks. There's no real way to turn that down.

A happier Ichiro? Mariners can thank Junior | TOP SPORTS - The News Tribune

Ichiro Suzuki spreads a towel on the carpeted floor in front of his locker, lies on his back and begins doing stretching exercises. From Ichiro’s blind side, Ken Griffey Jr. pounces, gets his hands deep under Ichiro’s armpits and digs in with his fingers.

Ichiro’s laughter is almost childlike – genuine and uncontrolled – and after about five seconds he screams the magic word to make Griffey stop.

Let's Discuss The Nightmare That Is The SpongeBob Toyota Highlander
Got word that this is going to be at the game tonight. Oh.

Play Everything: Madison Bumgarner - YouTube
Did you ever want to see Madison Bumgarner swinging a bat at water balloons and throwing baseballs while blindfolded? No? Well ... here:

Video: Beltran's ovation | MLB.com Multimedia
I feel like this is something we should watch every year until the Internet slides into the sea.

They made me write a baseball-related Sharknado post - Baseball Nation
I'm sure this will seem fresh in a month. Sorry.

The Phil Naessens Show | The Hardest Hitting Show Anywhere
I did a podcast a couple weeks ago, but I forgot to link to it. But it's not like the team got better, so it's still fresh. Though it doesn't mention the winning streak the Giants are currently ripping off.

Goodness, that felt good.

Tim Lincecum threw a no-hitter. There will be time to quibble about the pitch count. Or maybe not. I sure don't care right now. Maybe I'll wake up in a fireplace, covered in soot, wondering what happened, and that's when I'll worry about the pitch count. Until then ... hot damn, Tim Lincecum. Hot damn.

"Bryan Murphy" will get the recap, and I'll start working on a "50 Awesome Things" post, which is apparently a tradition now.

The list of Giants pitchers to throw a no-hitter:

The Jones and McCormick ones don't count, really. But the important part is that there's a #11 at the top, now. Tim Lincecum, you magnificent bastard.

I guess this is a tradition. A glorious, amazing tradition. After Jonathan Sanchez threw a no-hitter, there were 50 awesome things about that no-hitter. When Matt Cain threw a perfect game, the same thing happened. Tim Lincecum, you magnificent bastard. Here are 50 awesome things about you and your no-hitter.

1. It was Lincecum.
Tim Lincecum. The guy who lost his talent in a poker game before the 2012, then came back to be a relief hero in the playoffs. The guy who was alternating good starts with bad. The guy who dragged the franchise out of the post-Bonds doldrums and won a couple of Cy Youngs and championships.

There's so much weight behind something like this. Metaphorical weight. Lincecum still weighs a buck-fifty.

2. The Hunter Pence catch.
Last season, Hunter Pence couldn't do anything right. He was supposed to have five tools. He showed up with a miter saw and six toothpicks. This season, he's played a mean right field. He's been outstanding defensively. And in the eighth inning, he had one of those catches. In which a no-hitter is saved.

If the ball ticked off his glove, there would have been disappointed groans, but no one would have blamed Pence. Instead, he caught the ball.

3. Then Hunter Pence made this face

4. It was the first no-hitter at Petco Park
It was like the christening of a ship, where you break a champagne bottle on its bow. Except it was Tim Lincecum's big ol' changeup wang instead of a champagne bottle. I'm not sure what that means, but you just watched it.

5. Pablo Sandoval's play down the line
Pablo Sandoval is back. Pablo Sandoval's back. Pablo Sandoval has back. He's been hitting lately, and he's been picking it clean at third base, too. He made a clean play on a tough chopper in the seventh, and Tim Lincecum didn't allow a hit.

6. The look of relief on Lincecum's face as the ball gently nestled into Gregor Blanco's glove
There was a shot that tracked Lincecum from the third-base dugout, from pitch to out, and he calmly watched the ball gently nestle into Gregor Blanco's glove.

That's the official terminology, by the way. For a no-hitter. Balls "nestle" into gloves. It's a beautiful thing.

7. This is the 45th season of Padres baseball. They have never had a no-hitter
I knew a Padres fan who claimed the Padres had the better all-time team. He had Willie McCovey and Ozzie Smith on his all-time team. I'd like to think that guy is really sad now.

8. This happened when Lincecum was struggling
Look, a no-hitter when Lincecum was winning Cy Youngs would have been dandy. It would have been the cherry on a dominance sundae. But there's a little added poignance with the struggles of the previous years. It's not like he's going to emerge from the depths of the ocean reborn, a new pitcher, a new man, everything is fixed. But, screw it, Lincecum was awesome for a night.

9. That Andres Torres was zooming behind Gregor Blanco for the final out.
Just in case.

10. There were runs
Just like the Matt Cain game, the Giants were never really in danger of losing. There were lots of runs, and they came relatively early.

11. Jon Miller's call of Pence's catch
He did a great call of the final out, too, but the Pence catch was the seminal moment, and Miller knew it.

12. The kid-in-the-candy-store vibe given off by Mike Krukow.
He's a professional. He can be silly at times, but he takes his craft pretty seriously. And in the ninth inning, he said, "He can do this," so earnestly, so genuinely, that it only added to the spectacle.

13. That Buster Posey was the catcher.
Because they hate each other, everybody. Timmy's like, "no bro i need to get high and play NHL '93," and Buster's like "Dammit, this is your life, you wastrel" and this went on for years and years, and then the Giants won World Series and Tim Lincecum threw a no-hitter.

14. There was a pitch-count concern, but it didn't really matter.
Pretty cool, everybody.

15. /tugs at collar
Yeesh. Whatever. No-hitter!

16. That Twitter wasn't a maelstrom of pitch-count bitching.
Everyone was goofy for no-hitter-mania. We'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow. Maybe really worry about it! But on Saturday, Tim Lincecum threw a complete game, and he did not allow a hit. The list of pitch counts over 140 in San Francisco Giants history includes Marks Leiter and Gardner. The last one was Jason Schmidt, but he turned out okay. Right? Right?

17. Twenty-nine swings and misses was a career high
Except for the 2010 NLDS (31), which is still probably still the best game ever pitched in San Francisco Giants history.

18. Lincecum didn't have some sort of 94 m.p.h outlier of a game.
This was pretty much the Lincecum that we're used to now. And it was still quite good enough.

19. That Petco Park was filled with Giants fans
Good gravy, that has to be so annoying. Like, the worst. So off-putting. So discouraging.

lol.

20. That we get to punch the next trade rumor about Tim Lincecum right in the crotch
One free shot. We all get one.

21. The split-second between Blanco's catch and Posey being right there with the bear hug

22. That Brian Bocock had a two-homer game for the Pirates' Triple-A team tonight
This means something.

Darren Ford came in as a pinch-runner. THIS MEANS SOMETHING.

23. My DVR said that "Get Out Alive with Bear Grylls" was on when the game ended
That probably means as much as the Darren Ford tidbit.

24. After not seeing a no-hitter for my entire life, the Giants have thrown three over the last five seasons
Two were against a divisional rival. They Padres. Who have never had a no-hitter in their franchise history. Feels like that should be mentioned at least once.

25. There were hella strikeouts
There's something pure about a no-hitter with all sorts of swings and misses. Lincecum struck out 13 on Friday night, the most since April 6, 2011

26. That the Carlos Quentin liner in the ninth made us all poop
Every good no-hitter has one of those in the ninth.

27. The Giants just got no-hit
Homer Bailey, you're pretty cool. But you're suddenly the guy who got hosed by a quick Dusty Baker hook in the NLDS again, not the no-hitter demon from the red dimension. That's important.

28. Tim Lincecum scored a run
That's one more than the Padres scored. Because they were shut out. Also, no-hit.

29. The curveball
Dat curve. It was a non-entity for the last few years. But it's back, and Posey's calling for it.

30. This came in the middle of a bad season
Look, it would be better if it came in another championship season. But as an oasis in a desert of losing? This will do fine, just fine.

31. Brandon Belt had a home run in Cain's perfect game, too
That's all. He can hit (Krukow voice), he can hit.

32. That Jeff Francoeur was out there in the dog pile
Hell, I'm a poet. I can appreciate that. It was fantastic.

33. This is the face that Tim Lincecum made when a pitch hit the umpire in the beans

That's by way of Gidget. And it's fantastic.

34. Someone stabbed rock-bottom, took its wallet, and dumped the carcass into the Bay
IN YOUR FACE, ROCK BOTTOM.

/waggles crotch

35. Gaslamp Ball literally used the words "rock bottom" in their post-game thread
Aw, man. I thought rock bottom was a Giants meme.

36. That it wasn't Chad Gaudin. Or Eric Hacker. Or Yusmeiro Petit
Nothing against those guys, but this no-hitter was thrown by Tim Lincecum. There will be Tim Lincecum giveaways at AT&T in 2045. Don't take that for granted. He's kind of a big deal..

37. This eerie screenshot of Tim Lincecum kissing Alexi Amarista's ear after Pence's amazing catch

It's alright, guy. It's alright.

38. The All-Star break will give Lincecum a big-ass rest
Easy there, big fella.

39. BABIP
Lincecum's batting average on balls in play has been a big deal over the last two years. He threw an 89-m.p.h. fastball in BABIP's earhole in this game. It kind of hurt.

40. My fantasy team's name is Tim Lincecum's Comeback Jamboree, and it benefited greatly from this performance
Listen, Jeff Locke is carrying my team. I've earned this.

41. This is a Tim Lincecum quote:

I felt fine out there from the first pitch. Maybe just a little sweaty.

42. MLB Jesus has a Vine, everybody

43. George Kontos has a Twitter, everybody

44. A dude in a foam SpongeBob costume was roaming around the park
Look, I don't know. There was a hover jet for Cain's perfect game, so why not SpongeBob?

I was more impressed with Patrick, to be honest. He's my favorite.

45. This picture

_{Photo credit: Denis Poroy/Getty Images}

46. This picture

_{Denis Poroy/Getty Images}

47. This picture

_{Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports}

48. This picture

_{Denis Poroy/Getty Images}

49. This picture, oh god, this picture

_{Denis Poroy/Getty Images}

50. Tim Lincecum
Fine work, Tim Lincecum. Fine work. You done pitched a no-hitter. Fine work.

It had to be Tim Lincecum.

On the whole, I preferred last night's game.

I had a Manhattan with lunch, and fell asleep from innings six through eight.

Is that a metaphor for this game? No. The Manhattan was delicious. This game was like someone replaced the sweet vermouth with liquid English Patient, then filled the room with carbon monoxide.

The Giants have a .000 winning percentage in Jeff Francoeur starts. If they played an entire season with a .000 winning percentage, they would break all sorts of records.

The Giants have a .000 winning percentage in Barry Zito starts. If they played an entire season with…

Wait, hold on, lemme check that … huh. Well, I'll be. Sure felt like it.

After the amusing "Zito just wins" nonsense from earlier in the year, this regression to the mean has been cruel and swift. The Giants have won just one of Barry Zito's starts since the start of June, and he has a 6.42 ERA in that stretch.

We're pretty close to the end of the Zito era. There's a chance the Giants might re-sign him of they're devoid of alternatives, But I'll assume that the Giants and Zito are going to part ways. It's close. It's close. But I have some serious Barry Zito-related senioritis going on right now. I know the end is close, but I still want to cut class and do anything else rather than watch a Zito start. I stopped getting angry in 2009. Now it's just a dull hum. A dull, dull, dull hum.

It wasn't that long ago where it was appropriate to wonder who the odd man out was in the rotation when Ryan Vogelsong came back. Now? Not so much. At least the threat of the 2014 option vesting is mostly gone.

So long and thanks for all the fish. And the NLCS last year. And Game 1 of the World Series. Good Giant, it turns out. But, goodness, am I tired of the slog. Barry Zito starts are a good way to question if this sport is even interesting in the first place.

Huh. that button was supposed to insert the Lincecum gallery into the post, but it didn't work. Now that's a metaphor.

Giants records at the break for the last 25 years:

If you're wondering why this season has felt like such a drag, there you go. This is pretty rare, this first-half meltdown.

Santiago Casilla is back. That would have been really, really exciting at the start of June. Right now, I'd almost prefer to watch Jake Dunning, just because he's different.

But Casilla makes the team better, and I guess they're only 6.5 out. That's probably insurmountable. But it's also something that can go away quickly with a Diamondbacks series and a hot two weeks. A better bullpen can't hurt, and for all his faults, Casilla has been pretty steady. He had a good return outing.

Kyle Crick pitched in the Futures Game, which is important because he is going to save us all one day. free f.p. #14 had a recap:

Kyle Crick threw to three batters in the ninth. FB was consistently 95-97, he didn’t command it well though and walked two batters. He threw mostly fastballs, I think I saw two curveballs. Curveball looked good, both were 82 with 11-5 break. He walked Xander Bogarts, got Miguel Sano to line out to center, and walked Henry Urrutia before getting taken out.

Cool.

It's tough to get grumbly about this game. Tim Lincecum threw a no-hitter, everybody. But a sweep sure would have been cooler. Sure would have been.

Welcome back. Another week has passed. You're another week closer to Mike Trout being 40, fat, and a hindrance to his team. But we're not there yet. Still, there was a lot of baseball that happened over the weekend, and you couldn't possibly have watched it all. Unless you're Ozymandias. In which case, please, hold off on the squid until Mike Trout gets fat. I'm morbidly curious.

There were events, doings, and transpirings. Let's catch up on some of the more relevant/interesting/other:

Tim Lincecum threw a no-hitter

Lincecum averaged six hits (and three walks) for every inning he pitched from April 2012 through June of this year. We were juuuuust at the stage where it was okay to accept him as a pitcher you would talk about in the past tense. If not Dontrelle Willis, then something pretty close.

Since the start of June: 51 innings, 17 walks, 57 strikeouts, three homers, 3.16 ERA. His ERA is pie, everyone. He was pitching like cake, and now he's pie. This means something.

The no-hitter was written up by Rob here, by Bryan Murphy here, and by me here. So if you want more on it, there you go. But one of the more fascinating parts of the no-hitter was that Lincecum threw 148 pitches. If you want to see how the game has changed, check out this list of pitchers who've thrown over 140 pitches since 2000, and this list of pitchers who did the same in the '90s. Different times.

Here's what I took away from it, though: There wasn't a lot of grumbling. The Internet kind of shrugged its collective shoulders and said, "Yeah, it was a no-hitter. What was Bruce Bochy supposed to do?" Which is to say, the pendulum is swinging back. At the turn of the millennium, anything over 100 pitches was criminal and abusive. That's just barely hyperbole -- the attention to pitch counts was crazy.

This was kind of a perfect storm, in a way. Lincecum's best years are probably behind him anyway. He's almost 30. He's a pending free agent. The Giants are kinda sorta dead in the water. Lincecum has already accomplished more in his career than 99 percent of prospects will ever accomplish, but he didn't have a no-hitter. Of course the Giants were going to let him keep going. What up there screams that caution is required?

We'll see what Lincecum does in his next few starts, but whatever he does, there will be a ton of causation/correlation attached. In the meantime, he'll be comfortable with the decision. At the University of Washington, he called 148 pitches "Friday night."

BIRD

BIRD

BIRD

BIRD

Good job, effort, Royals

And on July 14, 2013, the Royals died on their way back to their home planet. Good job, effort.

When the Royals started their series against the Indians, they were six games back in the Central. That's not good, but it's not insurmountable, either. Maybe they get hot, the Tigers get cold, who knows?

Except the Indians swept the Royals over the weekend, pushing the Royals eight games out in the Central. That's pretty close to insurmountable territory. Can you see the Royals making up eight games on the Tigers between now and October? No. No, you can't. And for the 28th straight year, it's pretty likely that the Royals will be doing something else during the playoffs.

The worst part: The offseason plan worked. The Royals needed pitching. They made a huge trade for a stable pitcher, a small trade for a mercurial pitcher, and a substantial financial commitment to a competent pitcher. It all worked out. As much as anyone could have hoped.

The hitting turned into a powder and blew away in the wind. Good job, effort, Royals. Can't blame you for trying, and it almost worked.

In which the Astros receive good news

The Houston Astros are busy screwing something up right now. Don't stare. They know. They know.

But the franchise is going in the right direction. They're focusing on development, and they're identifying the players at the major-league level who will be around for the next good Astros team. And over the weekend, two big things happened for the Astros:

1. Jarred Cosart made a transcendent major-league debut:

Cosart didn't allow a hit until the bottom of the seventh, throwing eight innings of shutout ball for the win. Pitchers who have gone eight innings without allowing a run in their debut include Juan Marichal and Luis Tiant. But the last three to do it were Scott Lewis, Chris Waters, and Ryan O'Malley. That was in the past six seasons, too, in case you figured those were guys from the '70s. So it's not like Cosart is guaranteed success.

But it's better than failing, you know. And Cosart has a minor-league and scouting pedigree. This was nothing but good news.

2. Jose Altuve signed a four-year extension

He wasn't a free agent until after the 2017 season in the first place, and he's not exactly building on his success from last year. But when you think of players who will be around for the next good Astros team, Altuve is obviously the first one that comes to mind.

The Astros could have entertained trade offers. They decided to keep Altuve around for the short term and the long term. And, yeah, that was a bad joke. But the important part is that the Astros had a good weekend. When bad teams have good weekends, this is what it looks like.

The Braves had a bad weekend

This is a headline that exists:

Uptons leave game with injuries; Constanza called up

Uptons? I don't know a player named … oh, right. There was actually a reason to use the plural of Upton in a headline detailing injuries. But if there's anything worse than the headline, it's the lede:

One night after Jason Heyward left with a strained right hamstring, the Braves lost the rest of their Opening Day outfield to a pair of muscle strains that have pushed the Braves' depth to its outer limits.

The Braves made some bold moves in the offseason, a year after not making a single danged move at all. The goal was admirable. They had a young, young outfield, but one that had already accomplished quite a bit collectively.

On Sunday, they started Joey Terdoslavich, Reed Johnson, and Jose Constanza. That's … less than optimal, especially because Joey Terdoslavich is a create-a-player from whatever video game you were playing in junior high. The best laid plans of mice and Wren, I'll tell you …

Chris Davis is coming for you and your children

That opposite-field swing … goodness.

Turn up your speakers (if you work in a liberal environment)

Because let's marvel at the technology that allows us to hear how the game is really played.

Bud Selig has an iPhone! Bud Selig has never sent an e-mail in his life.

Selig: "I've never sent an e-mail and I never will." Has recently upgraded to an iPhone, though

— Eric Fisher (@EricFisherSBJ) July 15, 2013

Which leads to the follow-up question of "What in the heck do you do with an iPhone if you don't use it to send e-mails?"

The iPhone can do a lot of things, though. You can still get a lot of use out of it without e-mail. A stab at what Selig does with his:

1. Sliding back and forth between pages with the touchscreen. For, like, hours. Because, good lord, how do they do that?

2. Not watching Dodgers games in Las Vegas or Giants games in Oregon or A's games in Hawaii. Because of blackouts. Which make as much sense as ever.

3. Selfies

(Photo by Dave Martin/Getty Images)

Say ... how is he taking that if both his hands are on his face? Wait, no, don't answer that.

4. Pornography

Like ... stuff you wouldn't believe.

The freaky stuff.

The rascal.

5. Making and receiving phone calls. I guess that's what he really does with it. But that's not funny. Except you know he's at least come close to dropping the phone in a toilet. Now that's funny.

Seriously, though, even my dad has sent an e-mail. My dad would try to stuff 8mm film into an iPhone before he tried to use it, yet he's sent an e-mail. Everyone's sent an e-mail. Who hasn't sent an e-mail? It's like regular mail, but electronic. It's really convenient.

There are a lot of videos on MLB.com related to Tim Lincecum's no-hitter. This is the best one:

It's the best because it shows off the filthy changeup, and it's the best because it includes the post-game celebration. It's Monday, and there are 29 other teams who aren't going to play a game for a few days. The Giants are the only one who gave their fans no-hitter methadone to ease our withdrawal.

Funny. I'm not in withdrawal from Giants baseball yet. That's odd.

But I'm still in the mood to watch that video about 700 times between now and Friday. And it's not just for personal enjoyment, either. I'm watching it for science, too.

For example, after being doused with water, Lincecum went on a hugging tour. This gave us vital information:

For science. What does it mean? Everything. He used two different hands for his Righetti hug-thumps. That's probably important, right? I've studied those numbers and determined what Lincecum is going to do this offseason with 99.3-percent accuracy. But that's a post for another time.

And have we talked about Pence's awkward entry into the dogpile? It was awkward. He wanted to go full-dogpile, but then he wanted to throw up some horns, and he kind of got caught in between.

Finally, turn up the video at 2:24. Listen to Lincecum call for Buster Posey, and then blow by Chad Gaudin to get to him. It's … kind of amazing. Out of my way, minor-league free agent. I'm trying to get to Buster G.D. Posey.

If you're missing baseball already, there's probably something wrong with you. But this will help. This will help. Gonna watch it again, if you don't mind.

If you're like me, you spent a lot of time in college up at 3:00 a.m., sitting on a couch that smelled like melted cats, and watching classic Home Run Derbys on ESPN or ESPN Classic. They were alternately amazing and frustrating (because of them danged old-timey camera angles.)

You can find them at the iTunes store now, which is kinda neat. But there are a few of them on YouTube, too. They're worth revisiting, because they're still as amazing and frustrating as ever. Also, when I used to stay up until 3:00 a.m. just to see one, I'd always get Dick Stuart and Gus Triandos. Maybe Dick Stuart and Wally Post.

Here's Mickey Mantle vs. Harmon Killebrew:

You know why players did this? For the money. They wanted the extra money in the offseason. I wonder how much it would take to revive the series? Thinking ... a lot. A lot of money.

The Home Run Derby is stupid and you are stupid for watching it and I am stupid for wanting to watch it. Have I even missed one over the last 10 years? So stupid.

… can't turn away … so stupid … so compelling ...

There are all sorts of ways the Derby could be improved, of course. Just ask someone, they'll tell you. Suggestions range from "Not having it" to "Not televising it," though I'm partial to something like a Double Dare obstacle course. Hide the baseball in a gigantic nose with fake boogers, and make David Wright have to find it before he can hit it over the fence.

You would watch. You would watch. Also, give the division with the winner automatic home-field advantage in the NLCS. Because that would also make people watch who normally wouldn't. Or something.

Unfortunately, that's absurd. As much as I'd like to see a little more American Gladiators or Double Dare in the Home Run Derby, it's probably doing just fine as is. My e-mails to Bud Selig have gone unanswered.

But what about an Inside the Park Home Run Derby? I'm not the first person with the idea, nor I will be the last. But I can't get it out of my head. The inside-the-park homer is much rarer than the outside-the-park homer, and it's far less galooty. In theory, everyone would rather see an inside-the-park homer, given the chance.

Ah, but there's no real way to guarantee there would be even one inside-the-parker unless the deck were stacked. So let's spitball some ideas, friend. How could an Inside the Park Home Run Derby work?

Idea #1: Two on two
Brett Gardner and Peter Bourjos on the AL team. Juan Pierre and Carlos Gomez on the NL team. When one team is up , the other team is in the field. The two-outfielder setup would allow for all sorts of chicanery and hopefully more than a few inside-the-parkers.

You can't expect the hitter to run out every ball, of course. Maybe make it so that when they leave the box, their at-bat becomes official. The other team has to retrieve the ball and throw it home before the runner gets there. Easy enough. The rest of the details -- how many outs/rounds/etc... -- aren't as important. But a two-on-two setup could work.

Idea #2: Kids
I googled "inside the park home run derby" to make sure this idea hadn't been done a million times. It hadn't. Maybe a hundred. But one of the earlier ones came from Jon Weisman of Dodger Thoughts, who passes along this suggestion:

Eight kids from around the U.S. are chosen as fielders. Put an age limit on it -- ten? Twelve? Point being, these are kids. (Pitcher remains a batting practice pitcher.)

Major Leaguers hit long fly balls and then run the bases. He must keep running until he crosses home plate. Kids field and try to tag him out. Major Leaguer gets five outs.

Each time around the basepaths, one presumes, he would get slower and slower, increasing the chances of running out of gas…

Even better: If home-plate collisions are both allowed and encouraged. Because kids these days are soft. What with the video games and such. But this would be an interesting twist, at least, preserving the basics of baseball while still highlighting the players' natural speed and warning-track power.

Idea #3: Fat and/or slow outfielders
Well, the official name would be something different. But again, this would help preserve the general balance of baseball, at least. An outfield of Prince Fielder, Pablo Sandoval, and Yadier Molina. Or Barry Bonds, George Brett, and George Foster. Put three people in the outfield who shouldn't be in the outfield, then let the fast guys tucker them out with line drives into the gap.

The only problem is that no one would volunteer for this job. "Hey, we would be honored if you would be the fat or old outfielder for this amusing thing we're doing." So maybe it would have to be something of a punishment. Maybe part of a performance-enhancing-drug punishment. That could mean an outfield of Bartolo Colon, Yasmani Grandal, and Carlos Ruiz this year, for example. So the Inside the Park Home Run Derby would be Bartolo Colon running around the outfield while fast people do fast things on the bases.

You would watch that, and then you would buy the Blu-ray even if you didn't have a Blu-ray player. You would just spin the Blu-Ray on your finger, and look at your reflection wistfully, wishing you were watching Bartolo Colon running around the outfield as punishment for a PED violation.

Idea #4: Obstacles

Probably the least plausible idea, this one would put a three-man outfield out there, but there would be obstacles for the fielders to navigate:

Something like that, with the options being deadlier or less deadlier at Bud Selig's discretion. Possibly a series of low hurdles or fences. Maybe just a bunch of flagpoles and hills in the outfield. Works for Houston.

Idea #5: Crazy temporary walls
Put temporary, 50-foot-high walls in the outfield that have crazy angles. Have batting practice as normal. This probably wouldn't work in the site where the All-Star Game was being held. Too much work to get the walls up and down.

Aw, heck, who am I kidding? None of this would work. We're never going to get an Inside the Park Home Run Derby.

(But I vote for fat guys. Bartolo Colon in the outfield, everybody.)

(Okay, maybe two-on-two. Because it actually makes sense.)

(C'mon, Bud.)

There is a Home Run Derby tonight. Then there is a Celebrity/Legends softball game. None of it is especially relevant to Giants fans. The closest thing the Giants have to a representative in either event is Darryl Strawberry, and even though he hit the only grand slam a Giants hitter ever had off Pedro Martinez, he doesn't count.

In fact, it's been nine years since the Giants had an entrant in the Home Run Derby. A full list of Giants who have participated since 1985:

Barry Bonds (1993, '96*, '01, '02, '04)
Matt Williams (1990)
Kevin Mitchell (1989)

That's it. Should we care? Probably. Because it means that the Giants don't have any of them fancy home-run hitters. But when it comes to watching the silly thing, we probably shouldn't care about it because the Home Run Derby is objectively awful, even if I secretly like it.

(And I would pay money to watch Hunter Pence, to be honest.)

But let's see if there's someone to root for, a Giants-related diamond in the rough. Let's see if there's a player who can be interesting and/or relevant to Giants fans, starting with the National League.

David Wright
Relationship to the Giants: Matt Cain hit him in the head with a fastball once, and then started Doffgate by doffing his cap in response to Mets fans booing him off the field. Also, Wright sticks his tongue out a lot.

Conclusion: Eh. Don't care.

Michael Cuddyer
Relationship to the Giants: Still kind of shocked that he isn't on the Giants, to be honest. His low-defense, high-slugging ways would have made for a good Pat Burrell replacement. And by "good," I mean "bad." Except Cuddyer's good now. So maybe the Giants should have signed him. This is all so confusing.

Conclusion: Eh. Don't care.

Bryce Harper
Relationship to the GIants: Nothing, really. He misplayed a ball into a Giants win earlier this year, and he really, really likes Pinterest, which has a San Francisco office.

Conclusion: Eh. Don't care.

Pedro Alvarez
Relationship to the Giants: Nothing, really. When he slumps, he's like the player that people think Brandon Belt is. But when he's hot, he hits a ton of dingers.

Conclusion: Eh. Don't care.

Chris Davis
Relationship to the Giants: There used to be Chris Davis for Matt Cain rumors, don't forget. But that's about the only connection.

Conclusion: Eh. Don't care.

Prince Fielder
Relationship to the Giants: Looked bad in the 2012 World Series, which was a great help. Did the stupid bowling-pin Jesus thing after that home run, once. But that doesn't exactly make him an arch-nemesis.

Conclusion: Eh. Don't care.

Robinson Cano
Relationship to the Giants: Melky Cabrera seemed to like joking around with Cano last year. Other than that ... well, not much. The Rangers got to pick between Joaquin Arias and Cano to complete the Alex Rodriguez trade, and they picked Arias. That's a kind of connection.

Conclusion: Eh. Don't care.

Yoenis Cespedes
Relationship to the Giants: He made a goofy catch against the Giants that one time. A's fans seem to like him.

Conclusion: Eh. Don't care.

There aren't any Giants. There aren't any former Giants. and there aren't even Giants arch-villains to root against. My kingdom for a Hairston! Sorry, everyone. Even by Derby standards, this is pretty lame.

In conclusion, here is a picture from today of Bob Weir in front of Willie Mays's Hall of Fame plaque:

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